“Please, mommies?! Pleeeeeeeeeease?!?!?!” T.L. begged.
It was the week before Christmas, the year of our lord 1984. All that was on the minds of children across the globe was the anticipation of presents. But not THEABS.
After all, THEABS was no ordinary child. He was two children, each of which brilliant and advanced and hung and hungry all the like. They shared a zest for life unlike other children their age. Toys? Fuck toys. These two were into gonzo snuff cinema, fine wines, aged cheeses and progressive sodomy. Not unlike a swabbed throat testing for strep or Boy George’s club, these two were cultured.
And on the mind of both THEABS-left and THEABS-right this cold, wintry day was being first in line to see Blake Edwards’ latest farce: Micki + Maude.
“Absolutely not!” Agnes responded to their plea. “It’s PG-13 and last I looked, you were 7ish.”
But she wouldn’t budge. And neither would Mildred, though for other (read: morphine-induced) reasons. What she didn’t know was that the persistence of her adopted sons would eventually win out. Most likely because she was too busy diligently performing analingus on her partner and didn’t see the two lads sneak out the front door.
“You got a car, T.R.?” T.L. asked his mute brother. No response. “Shit, of course not. We’re seven. Hmmmm. Looks like we’ll have to improvise.”
The twins surveyed their surroundings, hoping something or someone that could magically transport them to the Sioux Falls Cineplex would catch their eye. Lo and behold the resident drunkard Santa Claus appeared, off to make his daily wasted rounds to the front doors and living rooms of the homes within the community. He was a neighborhood legend. An icon. And not at all a sex offender (it was thrown out of court).
They had an idea. Surely Santa could take them to the theater in his sleigh, right?
“Santa! Santa!” T.L. screamed. T.R. threw in a couple of grunts and drools for good measure.
Oh no, it’s those fucking weirdo kids from the dyke drug den, he thought.
“Why hello there, kids! Ho ho ho!” he responded, like a professional.
“Santa! Santa! Can you take us to the movies in your sleigh? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!?!?!??!” T.L. asked.
What the fuck do these two weirdos wanna go to the movies for? They’re ruining my fucking buzz. Plus, I don’t even have a fucking sleigh! It’s an ’81 Cutless! And I sure as fuck ain’t taking these annoying little yahoos on some fucking joyride around the city! Also, my license is suspended. And while I wasn’t convicted, I’m not supposed to spend more than 30 seconds around a minor. I’ll just give them some candy canes and send them on their way, he thought.
“Here, have some candy canes, boys!” he countered.
But as he reached into his bag to present the boys their delicious gift, THEABS-right began to chew on Santa’s leg.
“What in the motherfuck?!?! Get the fuck off of me you little freak!!!!!”
But T.R. would not relinquish his bite. He had felt like a lesser-than for too long and wanted to be an equal conspirator. While he may not have been able to speak, he sure as fuck could masticate on a patella. He was indeed his birth mother’s son.
“Give us the keys to your car and I’ll get him to stop, S.C.” THEABS-left bartered.
The pain was excruciating. T.R. had dagger-like incisors, not to mention was growling and gurgling like some rabid, tetanus-infested animal. There was nothing Santa could do but give up the keys.
“Oh, the flask, too.”
Typically this would not stand, but the agony was too great. He threw his prized carafe of peppermint schnapps towards the boys and THEABS-right surrendered his grip, teeth ripe with flesh, blood and polyester.
“Now we’re talkin’. Let’s hit it, bro!” T.L. exclaimed, a hint of Jake Blues in his voice. The boys jumped into the Cutless with the gusto of ten thousand bulimics at a syrup of ipecac convention.
“Bro, you handle the pedals. I’ll do the drinkin’ and drivin’.” T.L. ordered, much to the delight of his right half. T.R. liked pedals. He also enjoyed won ton soup and spanking it to Bryan Adams’ Reckless LP, but that was inconsequential at the moment. They were off to see Micki + Maude!
Little did they know it would forever change their lives.